The Road to Hell

Is paved with good intentions. Now I have a man whom I love more than anything. He is plagued with so many problems that it does not make sense. Is it fair? No. Definitely not because he's a good man. I love him, as Pablo Neruda would say, as certain dark things are to be loved between the shadows and the soul. Sometimes being with him and being without him is like being between a rock and a hard place. Sometimes it seems every time I open my mouth it is insulting to him. It hurts him. When he's like that I don't think he realizes that I am hurt too. He does not hear my heart when it cries out for him. Maybe he does I don't know. I want the absolute best for him. I always have. Somewhere in history I think we loved before. I was his queen and he was my king.

At this point, I am starting to think we have to go through the things. We've already been lovers and we were good at that. I was a good woman before him, a fabulous woman with him and now I still got his back and I'm learning to be his friend. Songs seem to fit my mood tonight.

Love is a part of our story.
Hate is a part of our story.
Making up. Breaking up.
It's all there.

We just have to learn to deal with it. I have told him before about my feelings. He knows how I feel...knows he's my heart. Understands my essence comes from him. He reads me as I do him and on some primal level we understand each other. Sometimes I feel that the love we have for one another is on such an odd plane that even we cannot comprehend it. It's that unselfish kind of love, the kind of love that makes you wanna do what is best for the other person, even though it is crushing you. It is putting up with their bullsh*t because you know they will put up with yours. Then, at the end of the day you can go to bed and wake up knowing that you've accomplished something you've made them feel loved. When they lay down at night they know you're gonna be there the next day. Sometimes they things you go through are little things. Things that you can move past that day. Sometimes it takes a week, sometimes a month. And like I said before, you don 't learn that someone loves you in between the sheets (or wherever you do things) but you learn it when you feel like you're in hell and that person is there with you. They don't leave you. They go with you. They take your pain and hold it in their hearts. The funny thing is you don't have to go out of your way to make them feel your pain. They feel it anyway. They see it on your face and they hear it in your voice. When they sleep, they sleep with your burdens and dream of a day when they can be fixed. I just don't know what to say other than the fact I am in love with someone whose mind is so burdened he sometimes feels like he can't go on. He loves me, I know that, but how can I go on everyday in happiness with a smile knowing he feels miserable?

I can't.
I have to.
It's hard.
I pray for perfect peace for both us.

-Peace Destroyed

A Quick Recap

So this was my first attempt at blogging about anything since LiveJournal. I really thought I could keep up with it but then life proved too hectic. Just to catch things up a bit here's a quick recap of where I've been since 4/8.

-Finals
-Graduation (had family in town and it was wonderful for them to come and see my new home)
-New Love (amazing and we'll get back to that later)
-Looking for a job and place to live (if anyone has any ideas let me know)

So now I am just in New Orleans wrapping things up and trying to find ways to get on with my life. Don't get me wrong I enjoyed the hell out of my experience but I am too old for it now.

I had a wonderful time with the family in town but sometimes I felt a little smothered and a little looked over. But thank God in every one of those cases I had someone in my corner to tell me to breathe, calm down and it will be okay.

I have to say I am so grateful for that man. I don't think he'll ever know or understand just how much he does for me. It's not like he's doing it because he pities me, but he genuinely loves me and that makes it so easy to love him-which brings me to my next point. I am noticing now that when someone mistreats you, acts like you are their property instead of your own person get the hell away from them because they will drag you down and make you wish you could be anywhere doing anything other than having to deal with them and their crazy ass ways and ideas. Glad I got out. But there's one thing I have to note: I never would have had it not been for this police officer I know. She told me, "Get out or you might miss a good thing". I would have missed a fabulous thing fooling around with a piece of shit.

In other news can someone please explain why Hillary won't just drop out? I mean damned are you serious? Michigan and Florida really aren't going to give you anywhere close to the damned dear 300 votes you need to secure the nomination. I don't even think John McCain is worried about her, only Obama. I have to admit that as a black presidential candidate I am sort of scared of him, but I trust that he will be taken care of. Speaking of Obama....got to love Michelle, more on that tomorrow. ;)

Perfect Peace....getting there